Photo-Illustration: James Gallagher
This week, a woman has sex with an old flinging while trying to figure out what she wants from a new relationship: 42, single, Flatiron.
7h00 It has been a difficult few months for me. Today I wake up angry, sad, excited and ready for coffee. I am in the middle of a divorce. We have two children and at the moment we share custody. It’s a week, a week off. It’s my week off.
9:40 a.m. I have a Zoom meeting. I work for a non-profit association. It’s good to have an important cause to put my inner rage towards, but it’s also damaging because we’re all very political people and we’re all excited about something these days. Who can blame us! Sometimes I think my job helps my anger issues; but it may be a healthy outlet for them.
11:00 No zoom at the moment. No children at home. I take out my vibrator, and as my computer charges in another room, I just use my imagination to go downstairs. I think of a woman who pushes her left breast down my throat while fucking me with a strap-on. I’m bisexual but lately I can only fantasize about women, even though I actually only want to fuck men.
5:00 p.m. FaceTime dinner with my kids. I love them so much, but I can see how much fun they are having with their dad, so it’s going pretty well. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t cry a little bit after we say goodnight. Their father left me because he said I made him miserable. He didn’t want to work on it. He didn’t give me a chance to improve myself. He said I was a horror to live with because of my constant mood swings and meanness, and he wanted to move on. Before I could even process the information, he had rented a new apartment.
10:00 p.m. I can’t find anything to watch on TV so I immediately fall asleep.
9:30 a.m. Billy texted him to stop. I’ve known him forever, long before I was married with children. He’s 45, and as one of those lifelong womanizer types: never married, never will be. We had sex a few times about ten years ago and it was hot. I have been separated from my husband for a few months and have yet to have sex with anyone new and I can say that Billy is hoping to get the part.
1:00 p.m. Billy’s here. We both wear masks but decide it’s okay to take them off because we’ve both been pretty careful. He brings me a coffee and I can’t drink it with a mask on anyway. As I go get us some cookies to snack on, Billy walks up behind me in the kitchen. I laugh. I let him put his hands on my sweater and I’m not wearing a bra, so right away he touches my nipples and gets hard. But it seems a bit rushed and a bit too obvious so I tell her to contain herself and suggest that she catch up first.
2:15 p.m. I have a Zoom job so I sit Billy at the kitchen table while I take him to my bedroom.
3 p.m. When the Zoom is finished, I call Billy to enter. We fuck on my bed, under the sheets because it’s so bright in there and I want to feel less exposed. I haven’t slept with anyone other than my ex in a decade, so this is again a nice reintroduction to sex. And yes, even though we don’t wear masks, we do wear a condom.
10:00 a.m. I have this Zoom mediation case with our divorce lawyers. It is smelly. That’s about all I can say.
11:30 a.m. Two hours of Zoom meetings, which I must interrupt because I am soon in therapy.
2:00 p.m. Virtual therapy with a new person. I like her, but she talks to me like I’m the most fragile basket she’s ever worked with. But it’s true that my mood swings are fierce, and I’m angry more often than happy. But I also know that people have flaws and that they go through difficult times. I am definitely in a bad spot. We’re talking about coping mechanisms the next time my rage breaks out. I am only slightly inspired by his pep talk.
7:00 p.m. I talked to my kids, uncorked some wine, and texted Billy to come and fuck me again. He says tonight is not good for him. I know that means he’s seeing someone else tonight. I have pretty much zero feelings for him so there is no jealousy but I hope he doesn’t see too much Many people.
9:00 p.m. Watch some lesbian porn and have a bad orgasm. You know those bad orgasms where you kind of miss the mark? As if the dots don’t all connect? Uh, it’s better than nothing.
8h00 I have an early hair appointment. I thought if I could look better I would feel better. My stylist can cut me and color me in her garden. I’m coming to get us two coffees.
3 p.m. Billy comes in between meetings to fuck me against the wall. I am not coming but I am taking advantage of it. When he leaves, I take out my vibrator and finish off.
5:00 p.m. I will go shopping to prepare my children who are coming home tomorrow. They are both less than 5 years old. I am a very loving and practical mother. Even my worst enemies (ie my ex-husband) say that I am a great mother. I’m just struggling with my overall happiness and my balance right now. I always put children first.
7:00 p.m. Prepare a few meals for the week ahead and bake huge chocolate chip cookies. I add sea salt while they are drying on the dryer – that’s the magic touch.
9:30 a.m. My husband and I share a babysitter, Shiloh, and she takes care of the whole child swap. This way we don’t have to see each other. So Shiloh brings the kids and even though I told her I don’t need her today, and we don’t pay her for the day, she hangs out a bit longer.
10:00 a.m. I might be paranoid, but I feel like Shiloh is spying on my ex. Plus, she’s a very pretty graduate student and all of a sudden I’m wondering if there’s something going on between them. He’s a jerk but I don’t see him doing that; it is too unoriginal.
10:45 a.m. She finally leaves. Art projects and play time begin!
7:30 p.m. Long and happy day with my little kittens.
8 p.m. Eat almost a pint of ice cream and call it dinner. I barely had time to eat all day.
9h00 We have a date with someone I know from work. She is queer and recently adopted a son. In my head, I wish I was done with men forever. This woman is not my type but I envy her never to have to deal with a man-child again. Problem is, I love the feel of a big cock inside of me. A strap-on isn’t quite the same – it just isn’t. I’ve only been with a handful of women but sex has always left me wanting… cock.
4:00 p.m. The kids watch TV and I can relax for a while. I feel the most centered when I am their mother. It’s tough and chaotic, but that’s what seems fairer. Why do I feel so bad in so many other areas of my life? Take a mental note to review this with my therapist.
7:00 p.m. The children are almost asleep as the doorman buzzes; there are flowers for me. They come from Billy. I read the card: “Your cat tastes like roses. Thank goodness my children can’t read. I laugh and put the flowers in a vase. Glad to have a guy like Billy around right now. Life is pretty tough; nice to know that your pussy is appreciated.
11:00 We always see my parents on Sundays. They’re in Westchester but they come into town and we find a park. It’s been tough with COVID but we keep the visits outside and my parents are real troopers. They worry about me, I know that, but they stay in their way. They are supportive and loving, and during the four hours that we are together they give all their love and energy to the children, that’s all I could ask for.
4:00 p.m. While my kids are watching TV, I try to find online dating apps that I should try. I hardly have single friends. The lonely dark cloud creeps over me again… but I know what to do.
4:30 p.m. I turn off the TV and tell the kids we’re doing an art project! We take out the duct tape, glue, glitter and feathers and make greeting cards for our friends and neighbors. It’s so good to get out of my head and be creative with them.
8 p.m. They sleep. I text Billy to tell him that if he can be there at 9am, he can follow me. After 9 am and I go to sleep.
9:15 p.m. He’s there. Only 15 minutes late. I tell her to get on her knees and make me cum. He falls on me for a while and I let go. I scream and hope I don’t wake the children up. Then I wipe her face, kiss her on the cheek and tell her to fuck off.